Bidding farewell – coping with the loss of a parent
A short while ago my father left his body. In the following article I would like to share my experience of saying good-bye to him. May it help the reader in similar circumstances.
The forces that can be active during the time of death of a loved one and in the sudden new life situation are indescribable. The mind can hardly grasp the dimensions at work. The confrontation with the finitude of bodily life certainly “does something” to those left behind. It’s a multi-dimensional event. At least, this is how I perceive it.
Already during the first few days after my father left, I recognised one important aspect: as with many circumstances – or actually with all of life – the key for handling his death lies in the NOW, the present moment.
I found it remarkable – and this not only relates to my situation but I heard it from others too – that upon the death of somebody close to us, our thought process brings us quickly and easily to all sorts of related memories. Like an automated magnetism, many images and feelings from the past pop up. Also thoughts about what the deceased person will miss and no longer experience from now on. But melancholy and attachments of this type and the associated grief don’t serve us, don’t give us any strength. I noticed how they weakened me. Most power flows into our system by being in the present.
Worries or assumptions regarding one’s own future are another typical habit of the mind, but they are not particularly useful either. Strength, support and good ideas really reach us when we stay consciously in the present moment.
Staying present required a conscious choice and, for me, a certain “disciplining of thought”. A choice I had to make every moment anew. I experienced how this works. It’s a balancing act. Allowing myself to feel human grief, but without letting myself be carried away by it endlessly, over and over again. I noticed how prolonged suffering weakened my heart, nervous system and entire body.
Consciously and wholeheartedly I dedicated one whole day to my father. I held my very own ceremony. I went to Mass (he would have liked it a lot), I meditated, prayed, played sacred music and mantras, burned candles and just sat down contemplating the new situation at home. I welcomed all thoughts or feelings and watched what happened within me. I moved through various memories and the whole spectrum of emotions – sadness, joy, anger, compassion, forgiveness. I observed, felt and breathed. I did not write anything down, let it all just wash through me.
Ultimately the “biggest wave”, that of gratitude and love, engulfed me. And although this was very touching and somewhat painful, it was equally, if not more, empowering and essentially soothing. It also gave me the knowing that everything was and is ok.
I’m at deep peace with the relationships with my father now. And I’m happy about our last meeting and our last phone call – those encounters were infused by nearness and a loving connectedness. Although I could not tell my father directly that I love him, I did express what was right for me from the bottom of my beingness: “Dad, I respect you.” His face lit up and his heart relaxed. I knew my words had reached him.
For me, it felt as though my father died because his work in this life was done. There was nothing else that could have been done. And given my own near-death experience as a teenager, through meditation and my own experiences with past life regression, I have come to a deep conviction that the body “stops”, but the soul moves on. Finitude is relative.
I noticed that my thinking went back to the memories, again and again. And here it was necessary not to hold on to all that which came up in terms of images and feelings. Conscious handling of the thoughts and conscious detachment from the grief over that which is no longer – and that which never was and which never will be – is crucial for staying emotionally somewhat stable. Don’t throw a mental anchor into the stories your mind comes up with, instead let go of them. Acknowledge what comes up, consciously breathe and move on.
It is also important to avoid carrying the pain, the problems or missed opportunities of the deceased. Not to turn their issues into our suffering. Direct the light of presence and awareness towards the clouds of sadness and let them dissolve or pass.
The process of releasing oneself from the dead person also has something to do with letting go of energy cords that connect us human beings to each other. The mourner may ask for the release of those bonds on all levels (physical, energetic, emotional, mental, subtle) in the form of a prayer, as I did. For example: “May the highest divine light dissolve and heal all my entanglements and attachments to (name of the deceased), now. May pure love and freedom stream forth, infuse and surround us.” I felt that this process allowed my father to really go and that it relieved me. It proved helpful to repeat this statement throughout the day. On the one hand this entire process made my heart more sensitive, on the other, it also made it stronger.
I got the impression that it was those energy cords between myself and my father’s soul on its “ascending journey to the heavens”, that have contributed to my perceiving life as exceptionally intense, filled with finer, almost mystical notes during that period.
I could never have imagined what I went through and I’m sure it can only be experienced.
Eventually I noticed a growing equanimity and sobriety which really supported me. And I think it is important not to judge this composure as bad, distant, cold or as a condition one might feel guilty about. It has helped me to get centred and stabilised in my situation. It allowed me to be awake, present and compassionate – without feeling overwhelmed by my own and other people’s emotions.
Sure, there were moments of sadness, but they were quite short and did not slide into abysmal pain. As I said, it’s a balancing act on the rope of presence, really not easy. But doable. For me, it came through awareness, conscious choices about where I placed my attention as well as an anchoring in the heart and body.
Prayer for the deceased
Lord, grant him/her the fulfillment of his/her yearning for love and complete his/her life in you.Let him/her behold thy face.United with the angels they praise and laud thy glory. We ask you: give our dead this new life. Receive them in the communion of saints and bless them with the fortune to look at you and celebrate you.Lord, you’re close to all who call you. We also call you in our state of hardship and suffering. Let us not sink into despondency and despair, but comfort us with your presence. Give us the strength of your love, which is stronger than death. With our deceased lead also us to new and eternal life.Lord, give him/her eternal rest.May eternal light shine forth for him/her.Let him/her rest in peace.Thank you. Amen.
– Extracts from Gotteslob, Gebet- und Gesangbuch (Praise of God, Book of prayers and hymns), Bishopric Münster, Germany 1975
May I take the opportunity to leave a pragmatic note:
Those of you still alive, please regulate with your offspring everything that can be settled during this lifetime. Decide how you would like to be cremated, write a will and create one folder with all the important papers. Give what you can with warm hands while you live. And clarify your unresolved issues and relationships now. Free yourself to go at any time, in peace.
Originally published: 11. August 2013 on Atelier Ananda
Original URL: atelierananda.com/2013/08/11/trauerschmerz-abschiednehmen-vom-verstorbenen/(archival reference)
Revised: 12. September 2026
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